THIS IS 300: Taking Pictures, Being Personal, & Weighing 300 Pounds
I have a wobbly relationship with compliments. On the one hand, they’re nice. On the other, fatter hand, they make me uncomfortable. I also hate it when folks respond to compliments by automatically apologizing, or arguing with the complimenter (”Oh no, I actually look horrible!”), even though this is often my automatic internal response. It takes a lot of effort to simply say “Thank you,” and not feel badly about it, not feel as though I don’t deserve it, like I should have refused it, like not arguing with it is the height of arrogance.
A year or so ago, I began taking semi-daily pictures of myself and posting them publicly to my Flickr stream. I did this for several reasons, but primarily as an exploration into how my body looks from the outside, how it looks when I am consciously presenting it to the camera, how it looks when I’m not. More generally I did it as a public demonstration of the fabled - culturally speaking - 300-pound dividing line. On the day I learned I had passed the 300 mark, circa 2005, I had been a fully-engaged fat acceptance activist for nearly ten years. And yet that knowledge hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks, in spite of the fact that it was not the result of recent weight gain, and that I knew, intellectually, that I must have been over 300 for quite some time. I based this on the realization that I was still wearing clothes that were many years old, and they fit like they always had; it was apparent that my longtime refusal to be weighed had simply kept me from knowing it.
In my experience, 300 is often levied, by fat and non-fat alike, as a sort of mystical dividing line between Just Fat and OH MY GOD Fat. I’ve lost track of how often, even now, I hear folks say “she weighs like 300 pounds!!” with no concept of what 300 pounds might actually look like, or what 300 pounds might be capable of. I’d assimilated this. And it was only when the number came a-knocking on my own fat door that I became aware of it. So the pictures I was taking were also an effort in publicly illustrating what a 300-pound person may look like. Eventually I started tagging my Flickr pictures with “300lbs”, and just the other day, the ever-keen Marianne of The Rotund pointed out to me that of all public images with this tag, I am the overwhelmingly dominant force representin’ 300lbs in the Flickr universe.
Getting to the point of this post, I’ve shied away from posting my pictures here, on this site. For one, I didn’t want it to come across as fishing for compliments, because I’m really, really not. For another, I didn’t want to seem horrifically egotistical, which opens a whole other can of worms, as the concept of considering my fat body worthy of photographing and sharing publicly is still something I struggle with (and is therefore also another point of exploration in my taking these pictures in the first place). It also makes me a little uneasy to think of this blog being plastered with images of me, especially since I share this space with several other incredible voices whose faces you never see.
But more than that - all of my personal, internalized shit aside, over the past year I’ve been the frequent recipient of emails and private messages from people who say that my pictures have changed them. These emails have been incredibly humbling and intense to read; it’s a bit scary to hear how something I’ve done as such a personal exercise has had far-reaching effects on people I don’t even know, people I will probably never meet, and other people who will never bother to contact me to let me know.
The thing is, while I don’t always have the focus or energy to pound out a many-word post here, I do take these pictures three to four times every week, and over the past several months it’s formed the crux of my activism, as it stands today. So I’ve decided to try an experiment, to collect my pictures every week, and to share smallened versions of them here, with a few words encapsulating my thoughts about them. Folks interested in larger versions or the origins of certain clothes can click through to the Flickr versions for more information.
This is a far more publicly-personal foray into blogging than I’ve done before, but I think it’s a natural next step in my project.
I applaud you for your efforts. I’ve looked through your pictures on Flickr and really enjoyed your project.
I love how you find clothes that fit your body, fit your tastes, show the world who you are on the inside by the image you present on the outside. I aspire to be like you!
I also look forward to more pictures. :)
I just registered in order to tell you you’ve made a difference to me. You wear clothes so well and look like you’re having fun: they make you look fabulous. It’s taught me to know I can enjoy the aesthetic expression I’d like - that style is not limited to size 8 and under.
Well I weigh about 330lb and I’m a size 26/28. I’ve been this size for about 5 years now. I carry most of my weight in my mid-section and thighs, and I’m hella muscular from years of taking care of an ill family member (lifting and moving a person is quite a weight lifting workout!).
I admit, I have issues with self-esteem and likely have a very skewed view of the world, but I’ve always loved fashion and shopping for clothes. I do, however, avoid the camera like the plague, but people like you show me that it’s okay to be fat and photographed!
I do think you are inspirational in how you present yourself for the world to see.
I think 250 used to be the mythical scary number, but that has since been replaced with 300, because 250 is what I associate with a size 24, which is the biggest size that many fashion lines go to.
Anyway, I don’t want to ramble here… Keep looking beautiful! Maybe one day I will have the courage to post my picture.
2 words: GO YOU.
I enjoy your wit and your fashion sense at the Flickr group, and I applaud your courage in pushing yourself past your own internalized boundaries.
And I’m totally getting one of those Hawaiian dresses, just because of your photo. :o)
In my experience, 300 is often levied, by fat and non-fat alike, as a sort of mystical dividing line between Just Fat and OH MY GOD Fat.
Agreed. It wasn’t until I realized I weighed 300 pounds did I finally start my first serious diet, which eventually led into an eating disorder.
I’m not a dress kind of girl, but your outfits are so, so cute, I wish I were! You have a great style and an inner confidence that just radiates in all of your photos.
From one perfect 300 to another: your self-portraits and OOTDs got me started wearing dresses. And now I can’t stop…nor do I want to. Keep on keepin’ on, lady.
I’ve been going through hoards of fashion blogs recently, admiring every little thing they’ve put together to make it “individual” and secretly jealous of their svelte figures (e.g. http://www.chictopia.com/browse/people/7) and despairing why I can never find someone my body size to look up to. Then I went into Wardrobe Remix on Flickr and saw you. You stood out with your oh-so-pretty purplish-pink dress bought from the ebay and i went through your Flickr autobiography for the rest of the afternoon.
I want to thank you for stating the source of your clothes because the part of the world I stay in, there are very few shops which cater to my body size and I want to thank you for making everything look fun, effortless and knowing that I have lots to learn from you to build up my confidence level.
Keep going!
I, too, registered just so I could leave a comment . . . you are FIERCE!!!! I’ve been reading the blog for about a month now and just love it. I’ve been slowly coming to terms with my own body and your words have truly helped. Then I get to see these pics and what can I say? You are beautiful. And that pose in the yellow dress is truly FIERCE!
Thanks!
YAH! I have been looking at your fashion pictures for months now and I am quite inspired by your bravery and also your fashion sense. I want to raid your closet. I dont have a flickr account so i couldn’t comment but all those pictures of Beantown made me long for someone I love that is there now…:( Keep up the good work! (and please keep posting links to where you get your clothes because yes I need them.)
Just registered, too - what a great recruitment post! Just wanted to let you know how positively powerful some photos have been in my own life. For eg. a poster I saw many years ago (anyone else see it?) which showed a nude woman with arms upraised as if in celebration. What at first shocked, and then pleased, and then stuck in my mind forever was this … the woman had no left breast - in its place was a mastectomy scar, which had been subsequently decorated with an ornate tattoo, something like a vine with flowers. Wow! That shock was also an awakening for me - re life, beauty, health, wholeness.
I’m not saying your own photos are shocking - because they are not. They are really quite ordinary (and quite lovely, too, it goes without saying, so fish away). But it is a fact that for most people who only look at the images of women (or the single Uber-Image of Woman) that we are being fed in women’s magazines, product ads, etc. any image that is different is shocking. In my own daily paper last week, I was mildly surprised at a photo that was unretouched, showing a very wrinkly and chubby elderly couple gazing at one another in a comfortably besotted manner. The story was about something or other they had lived through - but the photo was just so unusual in that it was utterly unfaked. They had lived and loved - they weren’t plastic people they were real.
So, anyway, this is by way of saying - well done, and hopefully, let the chips fall where they may.
I found you through Notes from the Fatosphere, and it was the most odd timing ever.
I clicked over here, clicked on your Flicker badge right away, before I read any posts because I was in love with your dresses. I then had to leave, and didn’t have any time to read your post. The next day, I was at work, and a co-worker of mine, a man that I trust and admire was telling a store about something, and he was referencing a rather large woman that he saw riding a bike, and he said something about her being, “BIG. Like REALLY BIG. Like she was 325 pounds if she was an pound.”
I sort of cringed, because I weigh between 280-300 pounds depending what year I’m weighing myself in, and I thought all the same things you talked about in this post. I wanted to say something, but I just couldn’t find the words. Then, that night, I came back here and found your post. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Excellent timing.
Thanks for being here, and putting yourself out there, because I think you are amazing, and I am so happy to have found this blog. I don’t think I’ve ever registered and commented on a random blog. LOL
I absolutely LOVE your fashion sense, and I looked at your dresses for…well…an embarasingly long time. Like an hour. LOL! I have been inspired to learn more about sewing if I can make clothes that look as awesome as yours!
Thank you!
I should have written this a long time ago, but I’m both shy and a habitual lurker. I found your flickr set months ago and spent a few days cycling through and admiring. I live in jeans these days and those pics gave me the courage to order some dresses on-line. (Now I just need to work on actually wearing them. Baby steps here…)
I also need to thank you for making me realize that I can wear sleeveless dresses. There was one dress I saw early in the spring and fell in love with - but it was sleeveless. I passed it up until I saw your pictures and you mentioned shrugs and sweaters. Less than a week later, I got a notice that the dress I’d loved was now on sale. I ordered it and a shrug, and wore both on an anniversary dinner.
So, thank you!