[Guestblog] When two whole cakes ain’t enough arsenal…
I was leaning against a sign that read “Bus Stops Here” and jamming to some Dresden Dolls, my trusty guide dog sitting politely at my left leg. He laid down impatiently as the minute hands ticked and still no bus in sight. Then, out of what most docs wouldn’t call peripheral vision I spotted a figure stooping for a pet-by.
What is a pet-by, you ask? It’s when a knowing pedestrian sneaks in a pet or smooch or otherwise grossly boundaries-crossing form of affection at an unsuspecting service animal. Not to be mistaken with human grabbings or other forms of harassment but nonetheless devious and irritating for both animal and human handler.
Without missing a beat and sans usual snark I said loud enough for passerby to hear that “that was a shitty thing to do.” There, I said it. That was a shitty thing for person to do. Ask first, respect my answer, move on. Clearly knowing petting wasn’t allowed, ze sneaked on by, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Too bad my dog alerts me, not liking unknown human touch too much.
Dude was having none of it. He turned around and screamed at me until I took my headphone out of my ear. “What?” I asked, hands outstretched in that “you were hoping for cookies” pose. “You fucking fat bitch, I’ll do what I want.” He then stepped toward me and my dog, reaching around me to get at said dog now cowering behind my legs. Nice guard dog, there. Mama bear instinct roared to the front and I in my 5′5 frame stepped between him and dog, pushing him away. Don’t get between me and my dog or I’ll cuttabitch, right? Except I didn’t. I pushed him back and said “don’t you ever, ever touch my guide dog.”
Now it gets interesting. Like any high school bully he looks around for witnesses. Like any blind fool I don’t, I can’t tell. No one is rushing to my aide so I assume we’re alone to duke it out. Incredulously he turns around, starts to walk away and skips a beat. Returning to face me he says “you fucking fat cunt, fuck you. I’ll do what I want.” He then spits directly into my face - hitting my nose and mouth. Stunned and disgusted I reach out with my right hand and slap him in the head. Hardly enough to leave a mark, not nearly hard enough because I well, I don’t hit people. He comes back into my face and says “fat fuck, take a jog.” He reaches out, punches me in the arm (ooooh no visible marks!) and walks off.
That’s it. His manhood is preserved. A stranger from across the street walks over to me and asks if I knew the guy. Clearly, since we were fighting and all. If I had known him it would have been ok. Since I didn’t….well he felt bad. Luckily the bus finally came, I grabbed my dog and dignity and left.
You fat fuck. You fat cunt. Not once was my vision or disability a part of our interaction except in the objectification of one of the tools of managing my disability. But my body, the tomb encasing who I am was grounds for insult and injury. I walked out of the house in my favorite shirt and brand new favorite green skirt, wearing fun shoes and jamming to some fun tunes. The sun was out and I was donning pigtails. Then dude came along and suddenly I felt ugly and unworthy and fat. Not fat in a two-whole-cakes sort of way, in a fatabulous fatshionista sort of way, but in a bumbling, poorly dressed, eats too many cupcakes and drinks soda sort of way. In that I’m a waste of humanity taking up too much space sort of way.
Rarely do people comment on my fatness. Perhaps it’s because they first have to acknowledge me as human, and as a person with a visible disability so rarely does that occur. But when it does I’m struck by how on-target the insult is for me, how sharp that word is. The word I use every day, the word that took years of unpacking for me to allow to roll off my tongue. That word that is so little of who I am, outshone by blindness, queerness, poorness and yes, first-generation-American-ness. Yet here it is, the first line of attack in the most ableist and sexist of situations.
Oh my god. What the fuck is wrong with people? I mean, I can ignore the shouts of “fat bitch” from a moving car when I’m standing on a sidewalk, but actually spitting in someone’s face after verbally abusing them just to assert one’s manliness/Gigantic Penis/whatever?? That’s bullshit.
Sorry that happened to you. It’s hard to believe that someone will go out of their way just to be a complete asshole–but clearly, people do, and the “I’m entitled to treating fellow human beings like shit” instinct is completely disgusting.
Fuck that guy. Stupid jock douchebag. He was wrong and he knew it. In typical asshole fashion, he had to go back to the “junior high school” insults. Don’t get me started on what I think of guys that hit girls…..I have ZERO tolerance for that. If I had been in the vicinity when that episode was going down, he would have had my foot in his ass….Kudos to you for standing tall to that loser.
Oh good God. Sounds like you managed well, but ye gods was this guy STUPID.
That is sickening. I have no comment except: Etana, I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I’m sorry. What an awful thing to happen to you.
Shit. It’s totally not your fault, I hope you know that. This guy is just a woman-hating shit who would have done that to any woman’s guide dog (probably not a man’s, though; too risky). And he’d probably have hauled out the “fat fuck” and “fat cunt” if you were anything larger than a size 2. At or under a size 2, it would have been “titless bitch” or “big-nosed twat,” or something like that. I just have to figure that guys like that, one day, will push the wrong button at the wrong time and in the wrong place, and get themselves fucked up like they can’t imagine.
jesus h christ, what is WRONG with people??? I think you handled that as well as it possibly could have been handled, and I’m so sorry it happened to you at all. please don’t think you could have done anything to prevent/change the outcome of that situation. you escaped (mostly) unharmed from a complete psychopath and should be proud of yourself for displaying excellent survival skills.
The part that got me was the person who asked if you knew that guy. Because damn, people really do watch men attacking women and presume that it’s a “domestic” and thus there’s no use offering assistance, since women obviously belong to the guy who’s hurting them.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I’m so sorry!! Good for you for defending yourself! That guy was a douche and the witness who didn’t offer any help sucks too. I’ve only visited your site a few times, but I already think you’re awesome. Keep on doing what you do, grrl.
Jesus, etana.
I have spent some time around service animals, and I know exactly the kind of douchebag you’re talking about. And the fact that he had the nerve to not only defend his actions, but to turn it back around on you and make it about your fatness… well. I’m stunned, and I’m disgusted, but unfortunately, I’m not surprised. Far too often, people react aggressively to being called out, particularly in situations where they know that what they did was wrong.
I was beaten up and mugged half a block away from a bus stop–while four fully grown men waiting for the bus watched, and numerous cars drove by. Ever since that time, I have made it my business to get involved any time I see someone being attacked, regardless of whether the people know one another.
I’m sorry this person made you feel as though ‘fat’ was the worst of all possible insults, and I hope it didn’t take you too long to recapture your ‘fatabulous’ state of mind.
Sounds like your dog needs a large “don’t pet, I bite” collar to avoid future pet bys :)
Situations like that to me just reveal how true the old cliche is, that insults like that reveal a lot more about the person hurling them than the object of their hatred. It’s like whoop-dee-doo, you’re a woman who might have some adipose tissue (neither bad things), but he’s clearly a psychopathic misogynist with deep-seated insecurities and a violent streak. Who comes out of that situation looking bad, and how can people be so stupid?
I don’t mean to say that the words he used against you didn’t have power and that you came out of the situation unscathed; I just think it’s pathetic (and frustrating) how this guy thinks that he comes out the “winner” by calling you a “fat cunt” when most rational people would look at that situation and think, wow, here’s a woman who can hold her own against adversity, and a guy that is pretty representative of what’s wrong with humanity.
*snarl*
I can’t tell you how pissed I get when people go for the sneak-pet on my service dog. For heaven’s sake, he’s got 3 patches on him that instruct no petting! And many of them ignore my verbal warning as well, and are shocked when they get their wrist grabbed while I tell them ‘You do NOT pet service dogs.’
I’ve been told that he’s just so cute, that he was obviously neglected, that SOMEONE has to pet him (as if I don’t), and that someone else lets their service dog get petted all the time, as if ANY of those excuses was ANY reason to allow MY service dog to be petted.
Mine, unfortunately, likes people very much and is more than happy to recieve attention.
One of the most effective weapons that I was taught during our service dog training was to snarl “LEAVE IT”.
It doesn’t matter that those words are actually directed at my dog, the fact is that most people get reminded that this is a NO TOUCH dog.
I am so, so angry on your behalf; he assaulted your safety by interfering with your dog, and when you told him that his shit was fucked up, he responded with attacks on your person.
Above anything else, I think this man is a coward.
~Kali
www.brilliantmindbrokenbody.wordpress.com
I have to link this here since it’s so ridiculously appropriate: “Don’t play with the dog.”
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that jerk but good for you for smacking him in the head! What I can’t believe is that someone actually witnessed this but waited until the guy had left before coming over.
I heard this recently on a Nightline interview/show.
“We are humanizing animals and animalizing humans.”
It is this mindset that led the incredibly stupid man to believe that petting your dog was more important than respecting you as a person.
Truly, people have gone too far in believing that animals are more worthy of affection than the living breathing person (no matter of shape or size or color) in front of them.
He SPAT at you? Holy shit. … In some jurisdictions that’s assault, and I wish someone had been there, to call the cops on that behaviour. It’s not acceptable.
… I some how missed the part where he hit you. In pretty much all jurisdictions, that’s assault. And the guy who saw and didn’t react: not okay.
fwiw, touching the dog and spitting on you are both battery. Battery amounts, legally speaking, to unwanted touch. Especially if the dog is marked as a no-pet dog. Dog = assistive device = same as touching the person.
It’s a shame you don’t know exactly who that guy was, because I think you’d have a case.
In addition to the assault that Arwen mentioned, of course.
So this guy is a poor excuse for a human being but surely by saying ‘that was a shitty thing to do’ you were kind of being aggressive yourself. Wouldn’t it have been better to say ‘please don’t pet him as he’s a guide dog and it messes with his training’ or some such? Not that it excuses his behaviour and the horrible things he said, did and made you feel, of course.
When I’m cranky and driving and some idiot drives like a cartoon, cuts me up or some such and I beep the horn, yell stuff and then sometimes even go out of my way to cut them up (not normally so extreme but happened once or twice!) after I’ve calmed down I’m always grateful that I was lucky enough not to crash (or be shot given some of the gun owning crazies around here) considering my behaviour.
The whole situation is crap. I hope it never ever ever happens again to anybody.
… oh, I hate that this kind of shit happens. You did handle it much better than I would have. I’m so sorry this happened.
I think fat is in the same category as queer. There was a letter in a local alt-weekly newspaper here about that word. The paper had just printed its readers choice awards, and one of the categories was “Queer hangout” or something like that, and the letter-writer was upset at the use of what he considered to be a slur. I can imagine what it would feel like to happily identify as queer [I used to, myself] and then be called a queer by a hateful peabrain. Doesn’t matter how much we reclaim something, a bigot [or just plain old asshole] can always use it against us, too.
Also I second the comment about getting a “Do not pet” collar for your dog. I’ve seen guide dogs wearing shirts that say in big red letters not to touch, too.
Shit, I’m so sorry! I never knew it was so out of order to pet a guide dog. I won’t do that again, that’s for sure. Some people’s behaviour, though… beyond wrong.
First of all, Etana, this guy assaulted you in public and I’m so sorry. Clearly this d-bag has anger management issues and is completely socially maladept. Completely.
I work in a library where guide dogs are frequently trained for social situations and can tell you that many, if not most people; sane, rational people, aren’t aware that service dogs should not be petted. People see a dog and think “cute! a dog!,” and their natural reaction is to pet it thinking it’s the friendly thing to do. Most people have to be reminded (or told in the first place) that guide dogs aren’t just pets out in public.
In NO way does this make this waste of air’s actions toward you ok or even explainable. I know it’s easy to say “if I’d been there, I would’ve done such and such,” but his actions sound so COMPLETELY off the wall insanely batshit that if I’d witnessed this, I can’t imagine not saying something to him on your behalf at the very LEAST.
This reminds me of a social experiment awhile back about men and women having altercations/fights/loud words, what have you in public. Most people just walked on by, not wanting to get involved. The only people that stepped into the situations were women. Sad but true. I for one would not have walked by if I’d seen this happen to you. A little personal risk is worth doing the right thing in the situation you describe. I’m sorry no one around you knew that, or acted on it. And the “do you know him?” question was probably asked out of incredulity that a complete stranger would act like that toward someone else, and not the thought “it’s ok if they know each other.”
The fat comments were all this dumb shit knew what to say to “defend” himself. He doesn’t, can’t, and won’t ever define you, and neither will anyone else who wants to say stupid stuff.
For people who don’t see the problem with petting a service dog, I’d like to explain - you’re risking our safety.
See, when you pet my service dog, what you’re telling him is that ‘Other people would like to pet and pay attention to you!’ For a friendly dog like mine, that sort of idea is very tempting - he would love to think that the whole world might pet him!
If he gets that into his head, then he looks to people for that attention instead of watching me. If he isn’t watching me, then when I misstep and try to catch myself against him - something I do all the time - I could hurt him because he isn’t braced properly, and I could hurt myself. Matter of fact, I could hurt myself SERIOUSLY, because I’m expecting to catch myself against him.
I understand that people in general don’t know that service dogs aren’t pets. However, defending that is rather akin to defending someone who makes a sexist remark because they don’t get how what they said could be harmful. The fact that someone doesn’t know they’re doing wrong doesn’t make the act any less wrong.
I suppose the right answer is education, but I have no more desire to spend every minute of my day doing ’service dog etiquette 101′ than I do to be constantly schpieling ‘feminism 101′ or ‘fat acceptance 101′.
~Kali
www.brilliantmindbrokenbody.wordpress.com