On The Rotund, littlem perfectly summed up what white people can do in these kinds of conversations:

MAKE LESS STATEMENTS
ASK MORE QUESTIONS

So good. And your post is great.

Fillyjonk, maybe just listening is the way to go. Sometimes questions, no matter how well meaning, aren't well received. As I was told recently, it is not the POCs responsibility to educate. And, isn't asking questions just a way of transferring the spotlight back to you again. Admittedly, I am conflicted on what the best course of action is, but I am rather confused on which questions are encouraged and which are discouraged.

Definitely not POCs' responsibility to educate, but better to proceed by asking questions than by sticking your fingers in your ears and going "lalala," you know? Or sulking and saying "fine, I won't say anything ever again." If the choices are between questions and statements, or questions and shutting down the conversation, ask questions. But I can't argue that shutting up and listening is also awesome! Did me worlds of good, though my knowledge is far from complete.

I recently posted this quote on another website that was in the midst of a similar debate:

"One aspect of the backlash [against being PC] is the accusation that those who advocate attention to oppression, culture, and diversity are trying to put us into a straitjacket of 'political correctness' (Tataki, 1997)... This
draws our attention to the discomfort of the privileged rather than to the pain of the oppressed. Such discussion implicitly blames those who attempt to discuss their oppression for making the privileged
uncomfortable -- thus blocking discussion of privilege. The truth is that those who draw our attention to such social phenomena as the absence of people of color in our professional organizations, or inequities in the status of women or minorities in terms of salary, power, and visibility, make us uncomfortable. We no longer feel 'safe' in an atmosphere that values 'political correctness.' Reverting the discussion from the issues of inequity to the discomfort of the
privileged blocks a necessary part of change, since those who experience social oppression never had the privilege of feeling 'safe'
in the first place." (Monica McGoldrick, "Introduction: Re-visioning family therapy through a cultural lens." Re-Visioning Family Therapy.)

I'm white, I'm privileged, and I get that. I try to be really aware of the differing experiences of others because they may not be what I assume: for example, I grew up far below the poverty line and people would not have expected that of me. So I try not to bring a lot of assumptions to the table, and I do try to ask a hell of a lot of questions. But one problem I have is "Where?" If I have questions about certain things related to cultures that aren't mine, where do I ask these things? When Google fails me, where do I go from there?